I can be grateful for all I have while also feeling grief for all I've lost. Dr. Joanne Cacciatore
There was a post on Facebook where the author stated that his family was going to move to Ireland, and he wondered about the issue of homesickness - if people experienced it and how they handled it.
I had been thinking about writing a post like this for a while and answering his question on Facebook helped to bring sharper focus to my thoughts.
It may sound woo-woo or whatever, but the harmonics of this place, the energy, isn't compatible for me at the moment. I've told people that I feel like a tree that's been transplanted into foreign soil - my roots are reaching out for something familiar but nothing feels "right" or comfortable.
No matter where I traveled in Minnesota, it always felt like home. The surroundings, even when physically different, were the same somehow. Here, things feel a bit off - like a radio station that isn't quite tuned in. I don't remember having this much trouble acclimating when I moved to Texas but then again, I was 30 years younger and the circumstances were different so it isn't an apt comparison.
I have a feeling the lack of definite seasons is also going to be difficult for me. I NEED that delineation and, as was the case in Texas, I just don't think that's going to happen here.
In Minnesota, we lived in a house surrounded by trees/grass, and we had daily visits from all manner of wildlife - birds, squirrels, deer, bunnies. Here, our balcony looks onto a small courtyard but there are so many hard surfaces and not much greenery. Considering I draw comfort from nature, the lack of it when I look out the window isn't helpful.
Coloring this entire experience is also the fact that I'm carrying a lot of grief over Lissa. My move to Ireland would've put her over the damned moon. She would've been so thrilled for me, so eager to hear about my adventures. Maybe she would've been able to visit, and we could've sat in a Dublin pub, listening to traditional music, she with a pint of Guinness or a shot of Jameson's in her hand, her Irishness coming home for a little while. Everything I experience here at the moment has a sour taste of regret.
However hard this has been at times, I'm giving myself the gift of grace. We haven't even been here for three months yet which is a drop in the ocean compared to being in Minnesota for over 50 years. I don't expect my homesickness to ever fully disappear but I think that the longer I'm here, the more comfortable I'll feel.
As I write all of this, there's a part of me that gets irritated by all of the doom and gloom and complaining. I've been given this incredible gift but rather than finding gratitude, all I can find is sorrow. But as the quote at the top of this post reminds me, life is not about absolutes. Grief and gratitude, gain and loss, joy and sadness - all of these things can co-exist, and that's okay.
I’m glad you are aiming to give yourself grace, Jill. I imagine not having nature and wildlife outside your window would make getting grounded extra challenging. Hoping you find yourself more grounded, week by week.
ReplyDelete