"I miss that town/I miss their faces/You can't erase/You can't replace itI miss it now/I can't believe it/So hard to stay/Too hard to leave it..."
Ever since I was a young child, I have had separation anxiety. When school began each year, I would cry every day because I had to leave my home and my parents behind. It took many, many years, but eventually I grew out of that pattern.
It lessened but never completely disappeared as I grew older. We would leave the house for a weekend away, and I would feel that old, familiar twinge of displacement, of fear, of anxiety.
Guess what happens when you have unresolved separation anxiety and you move to a different country that's 3700 miles from your home?
Yeah, it's been a bad couple of days.
Today I thought about going to Spar, which is a convenience store that's just around the corner. The idea scared me so much that I started to cry and haven't really stopped yet. And then I get angry with myself and become this bully who sneers and scoffs, "It's just a short walk away. What is wrong with you?"
My sense of stability has been shot to hell. I'm in an alien universe, and everything feels uncomfortable and threatening.
This is not a bad place. I'm probably safer here than I ever was in the US. But insecurity doesn't listen to logic.
One day, it will be easy for me to walk out our front door. It will be easy for me to push this anxiety aside and explore this interesting and wonderful new place. Dublin will wait for me - unless there's a nuclear strike, it's not going anywhere.
I just need to be patient with myself until then.
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